Birthday Tomorrow. ++ Kiera Knightly thinspo

Emily's bringing me cookies. Cake tonight to celebrate with dad. Cake tomorrow cuz its my actual birthday. Cake next week to celebrate with mom. FUUUUUUUUU-duge. just kidding. i'm giving up swearing for lent. i wish i could give up food. but somehow i dont think thats gonna work out so great.

Some Kiera Knightly thinspo. i think she's amazingly beautiful.

yup.

Its been forever since i blogged. Pathetic. I'm down to about 133. I've been staying around there the past few weeks. Alots been going on. I finally realized i have no idea what i'm going to do with my life. Yeah i wanna be a doctor, but then i got my transcript back today. my overall gpa is a fucking 2.677. thats a B-. thats not going to get me into colleges. Yeah, last year was bad but i'm just making excuses. truth is, im a fat. lazy. undeserving person. undeserving of everything that life has to offer. undeserving of my family, undeserving of my girlfriend, undeserving of my friends, which i've began to lose already anyways. for my birthday i asked for a membership to the ymca, yayy :] so hopefully i get that instead. its under $20 i think. cuz i'm still a student. anywho, enough rambling for now. birthday on the 19th. i 'm gonna be 17 :]] yayyyyy.

Epic Fail

Sorry its been a while.. finals. i haven't had time for anything but. they lost ALL my grades, the entire school system shut down. and the idiots of the school board cant get them back. i mean seriously? who puts the back up... ON THE SAME SYSTEM?!?!?!?! hellooo?? somebody forgot their wheaties. hah.

i've maintained my weight at 133. with finals and all i have to eat. but i'm starting a new ritual. i need a routiene. soo i've come up with.. wake up, weigh in, coffee, school, no lunch, get home, sleep until supper (which im forced to eat) CONTROL MYSELF DURING THAT SUPPER!!.. homework, then my pilates dvd :D yaya! i love that thing its so fun. then shower, then bed. i'm going to try to limit my weighing to once a day, in the morning so i dont freak myself out like i usually do. i've been under so much stress. its insane.
i missed you guys!!
xx

down 1.5 lbs againnnn :] wanna txt?

Last night -
Orange juice: 110
Penne pasta: 120 cal
Mashed potatos: 240
Gravy: 30
~500

i was laying in bed and about 1 a.m. i finally made myself get up and weigh myself because i was sitting there thinking about how many calories i've been eating and i stepped on twice, 133!! i've dropped 1.5 lbs!! ^-^ phew it made my day.
i'm determined to do really good this weekend. 2 meals a day.. try to aim around 1000 cal. but i'm going to be exercising ALOT over the weekend. :] i'm super excited
anybody who wants to txt, i live in the us if ur looking for a little support or modivation. i know i need it! :]
xx
stay strong, think thin

I have come to the conclusion that..

I want to be numb.
I don't want to feel. You know why? Craving is only a feeling.. why is it that something as small as food can swoop me down so fucking LOW? I don't want to feel it anymore. I'm above food. I want to be able to look at food and not have to tear my eyes away. I wanna look away without the panic of "i cant eat that", "i need an excuse", "your sick, you cant eat".. the countless numbers that flash behind my eyelids every time i blink. calories. calories. calories. i just want to be thin. i just want to be perfect.. that's so much to ask for?

Down a pound :]

Yesterday - good.
Today - good.
I've come up with a daily routine which is working out well. My biggest binge time is right when i get home from school until supper.. so i decided since i'm half sleep deprived anyways, i've designated that time as NAP TIME! :D just like when we were little. Tahaha :] i sleep for a little less than an hour. then get up, cook supper for the family (tonight, wraps and salad! YUM) and then work out until 7pm. homework. then bed :]
Hope you guys are all doing great
xx

Obsessed

I've become obsessed with my notebook. I write down every little thought that goes through my head. I wake up, write. I carry it around at school with me, write during my free time. Go home, write. Am forced to eat supper, write. Before i go to sleep, i write. I practically sleep with it now. I'm hoping it'll help. So far, I've controlled myself well. I really need that job. Any job. Except somewhere with food. Any retail store. Honestly, I'm desperate to get away.
I had started thinking about moving in with my mom.. but i realized that would be a HUGE mistake. I eat there. Because I'm happy there. [I know weird.. but i don't eat when I'm upset, i eat more when I'm happy] This morning i just about shot my step mom. She came downstairs and bitched at me "if i get woken up before 6 ONE MORE TIME, I'M TAKING OFF YOUR FUCKING DOOR!!" ummm okay? I don't understand what taking my door is going to do, I'm still going to wake up at 5:30 because I cant get ready in time. Maybe if i had my own fucking CAR, i wouldn't have to take the stupid bus! Which means i wouldn't get to school an hour and a half before class starts. UGH!
Sorry guys, this is me just kinda venting. Oh, plus Ashley and i got in a big fight. which sucked. i wanted to cry. this whole long distance thing isn't really working great for us. I'm not going to give up yet though. I'm pretty sure she's "the one", you know?
xx
Gabie