Epic Fail

Sorry its been a while.. finals. i haven't had time for anything but. they lost ALL my grades, the entire school system shut down. and the idiots of the school board cant get them back. i mean seriously? who puts the back up... ON THE SAME SYSTEM?!?!?!?! hellooo?? somebody forgot their wheaties. hah.

i've maintained my weight at 133. with finals and all i have to eat. but i'm starting a new ritual. i need a routiene. soo i've come up with.. wake up, weigh in, coffee, school, no lunch, get home, sleep until supper (which im forced to eat) CONTROL MYSELF DURING THAT SUPPER!!.. homework, then my pilates dvd :D yaya! i love that thing its so fun. then shower, then bed. i'm going to try to limit my weighing to once a day, in the morning so i dont freak myself out like i usually do. i've been under so much stress. its insane.
i missed you guys!!
xx

down 1.5 lbs againnnn :] wanna txt?

Last night -
Orange juice: 110
Penne pasta: 120 cal
Mashed potatos: 240
Gravy: 30
~500

i was laying in bed and about 1 a.m. i finally made myself get up and weigh myself because i was sitting there thinking about how many calories i've been eating and i stepped on twice, 133!! i've dropped 1.5 lbs!! ^-^ phew it made my day.
i'm determined to do really good this weekend. 2 meals a day.. try to aim around 1000 cal. but i'm going to be exercising ALOT over the weekend. :] i'm super excited
anybody who wants to txt, i live in the us if ur looking for a little support or modivation. i know i need it! :]
xx
stay strong, think thin

I have come to the conclusion that..

I want to be numb.
I don't want to feel. You know why? Craving is only a feeling.. why is it that something as small as food can swoop me down so fucking LOW? I don't want to feel it anymore. I'm above food. I want to be able to look at food and not have to tear my eyes away. I wanna look away without the panic of "i cant eat that", "i need an excuse", "your sick, you cant eat".. the countless numbers that flash behind my eyelids every time i blink. calories. calories. calories. i just want to be thin. i just want to be perfect.. that's so much to ask for?

Down a pound :]

Yesterday - good.
Today - good.
I've come up with a daily routine which is working out well. My biggest binge time is right when i get home from school until supper.. so i decided since i'm half sleep deprived anyways, i've designated that time as NAP TIME! :D just like when we were little. Tahaha :] i sleep for a little less than an hour. then get up, cook supper for the family (tonight, wraps and salad! YUM) and then work out until 7pm. homework. then bed :]
Hope you guys are all doing great
xx

Obsessed

I've become obsessed with my notebook. I write down every little thought that goes through my head. I wake up, write. I carry it around at school with me, write during my free time. Go home, write. Am forced to eat supper, write. Before i go to sleep, i write. I practically sleep with it now. I'm hoping it'll help. So far, I've controlled myself well. I really need that job. Any job. Except somewhere with food. Any retail store. Honestly, I'm desperate to get away.
I had started thinking about moving in with my mom.. but i realized that would be a HUGE mistake. I eat there. Because I'm happy there. [I know weird.. but i don't eat when I'm upset, i eat more when I'm happy] This morning i just about shot my step mom. She came downstairs and bitched at me "if i get woken up before 6 ONE MORE TIME, I'M TAKING OFF YOUR FUCKING DOOR!!" ummm okay? I don't understand what taking my door is going to do, I'm still going to wake up at 5:30 because I cant get ready in time. Maybe if i had my own fucking CAR, i wouldn't have to take the stupid bus! Which means i wouldn't get to school an hour and a half before class starts. UGH!
Sorry guys, this is me just kinda venting. Oh, plus Ashley and i got in a big fight. which sucked. i wanted to cry. this whole long distance thing isn't really working great for us. I'm not going to give up yet though. I'm pretty sure she's "the one", you know?
xx
Gabie

AWESOME..Sauce :D

Yesterday sucked, 6 mozzarella sticks.. and 4 bites of pasta *gag* but thats all right, i worked out for almost 2 hours.and cut :\ and then had a little fruit.
But today is GREAT..
9 hours of sleep, perfect weigh-in. Loooooove today <33 Tahah :] Soo.. i let myself splurge a little bit. I had breakfast. Frozen fruit. and then a 10 cal vitamin water :] and then i'm making supper tonight, SOUP! (yumm!) and i'm going to my mom's saturday afternoon so i'll probably only have to eat breakfast saturday. and then probably only supper on sunday :] its a great weekend planned so far. as long as i dont completely lose control and binge. which i tend to do at my mom's house. but i'll have the computer all to myself so i'll be digging the thinspo ;D haha wow i'm in a great mood. Lalala <333 okie. Well ttfn!!
xx
stay strong <3

How to become a better anorexic@Everything2.com

How to become a better anorexic@Everything2.com

Ughh..

Soo.. I don't have a job anymore. which pretty much blows. that got me off the hook for supper almost every day. so now i've decided to not eat breakfast OR lunch. because thats what i can get away with. my parents always make me eat supper with them "as a family" *gag, puke..etc* haha :] im working on getting a new job so cross your fingers!!
xxx
lots of love <3333

Ana Buddy

I really need someone to keep me motivated. I need someone who's gonna be more than a friend than an ana buddy. I want to be able to talk about other things than being anorexic. I need a friend more than anything. She's gotta be like Ana, here through the thick and the thin. Right now, its pretty thick (as in FAT). Sooo.. yeah :] hit me up, leave ur email

To Aimee

Thanks for the comment :]
I just realized i dont think i've posted anything about my life really, or even me as a person. Soo... here i go :]
My name is Gabrielle Shea, but i go by Gabie and/or Shea. I'm 16, a junior in high school. I'm bisexual. I have a girlfriend, her name is Ashley, she's the love of my life. I get to go see her in Colorado this summer. :] She's beautiful. and i actually plan on marrying her. I live with my dad, stepBITCH..*ahem* stepmother (julie), and my step sister. and my chocolate lab mocha who is my baby :] aside from my mood swings i'm a really happy bubbly person. i love to talk AND listen. pretty much any kind of socializing. i'm very much a people person.
I cut, I smoke, I drink, I overdose, I've done drugs.. i'm NOT a good person.. but i am a good friend. or at least i like to think i am.
I just recently got in contact with my mom again. i like spending my weekends at her house. i'm thinking about moving in with her this summer. i have 2 half brothers, brandon and matthew. matt is moved out, he's 20. and my little brother brandon is 12.. and suffers from ADHD, OCD and autism. its pretty hard to deal with for my mom, but she does pretty good for working at walmart for a living.
I love being close to people but i find it really hard to do so because of my current condition. Especially ashley, my gf. i kill her with the obsessive calorie counting and fits i throw over things such as food. ana is the one thing i wont give up for ashley.. i almost feel guilty but its for my own good, and probably hers too. she wouldn't want to be with a fat lard. anywho.. if anybody has anymore questions let me know! and feel free to email me, cheekymonkee7111@yahoo.com. i have a phone you can text me too, just email me and ask for my number :] keep strong everybody, your on your way to perfection. xoxoxo, Gabie

Its been far too long since...

I restricted.. weighed.. starved..
I feel like i gave up over the Holidays. But thats not gonna happen anymore. I'm going to start blogging again. I gained 4 lbs since i last posted :\ But i'm going to get better. I've got 4 months until school is over and i go to see Ashley.. I WILL be skinny by then.
I missed you all <33
I forgot for a while what my priorities were. I dont need to eat to be happy. :]
Its a new year, a new beginning.
I'm back.. and this time i'm staying.