I have come to the conclusion that..

I want to be numb.
I don't want to feel. You know why? Craving is only a feeling.. why is it that something as small as food can swoop me down so fucking LOW? I don't want to feel it anymore. I'm above food. I want to be able to look at food and not have to tear my eyes away. I wanna look away without the panic of "i cant eat that", "i need an excuse", "your sick, you cant eat".. the countless numbers that flash behind my eyelids every time i blink. calories. calories. calories. i just want to be thin. i just want to be perfect.. that's so much to ask for?